You, Them, Me: A conversation approach

If someone in your life is using alcohol or other drugs and you want to start a kōrero about it, try this conversation approach. 

You, Them, Me guides you through four simple steps to help you have real, meaningful conversations. It works whether you’re a parent, friend, or health professional, and you don’t need any special training to use it. Just starting the conversation is a great first step.  

Start by watching the video, then explore the examples and resources below to help you put it into practice. 

Kia kaha – have the kōrero.  

You, Them, Me is a four-step conversation approach. It works in professional settings and everyday life. 

The strength of You, Them, Me is that it doesn't rely on one question landing. You haven’t hit a dead end if someone replies to you saying, “Everything's fine.” You could continue asking questions about their perspective, or move to asking about other people’s perspectives – the 'Them' part of the conversation. 

If that still doesn't shift anything, ‘Me’ gives you a way in through your own observations, naming what you've noticed. Each step is a different angle on the same conversation, so there's always somewhere to go next. 

You: start with their perspective. They're the expert on their own situation. Listen actively and let them lead the conversation.  

Them: explore the people around them. What are their whānau, friends, or household members thinking or worried about? 

Me: share your perspective, and ask first. Whether you're a health professional or a friend, your mātauranga and lived experience have a place here. 

Responsibility: finish the conversation by handing back agency. Sometimes responsibility is something you build toward together, through negotiation and multiple conversations. The goal of this conversation is to work towards positive changes. 

These prompts are examples of questions you might ask. Some of these questions may be more relevant for you than others - you can adapt them to your context. 

You 

  • What's important to you right now? 

  • What's been working well for you? 

  • What's on your mind about this? 

  • Do you have any questions for me? 

  • I'd like to talk about our drinking, and I'll share my thoughts later on. I'll listen first, what do you think of the situation? 

Them 

  • What have the people around you been saying lately? 

  • Is there anything your whānau or friends would want you to ask about? 

  • What do the people close to you think about the situation? 

Me

  • I’ve been noticing some changes – can I share what those are? 

  • I’ve been feeling worried about you lately – can I share what’s on my mind? 

  • Can I share my experience of this situation? 

  • Can I share some things I've heard from other people in similar situations? 

  • Can I share some information that might be useful to you? 

  • Would it be okay if I outlined some options that might help? 

  • I've spoken with many people who use [substance] and they've shared some ways they stay safer. Can I share those with you? 

  • With the amount you've been drinking, stopping suddenly could be dangerous. Can we talk through some safer options? 

  • It sounds like [situation]. Could we explore how you might reduce that risk? 

Responsibility 

  • We've covered a lot today. What feels most useful to take away? 

  • It's your call what you do with this. Where would you like to go from here? 

  • Great that you identified some actions you want to take. Would it help to meet up sometime soon to check how you’re going with those actions? 

The You, Them, Me approach sits within a broader set of tools for health professionals having conversations about alcohol and other drug use. 

Having conversations about alcohol: a digital toolkit is a one-stop shop for tools, advice, and referral support for health professionals. 

For more on harm reduction practice, including ethical frameworks and service reflection tools, visit the Drug Foundation harm reduction site. 

You, Them, Me, works well with young people. It helps you and them explore what they are experiencing, and what actions they can take as they learn how to take on more responsibility. It can help to revisit the conversation regularly, as young people’s lives can change quickly. 
 
These additional resources can help you figure out what you would like to say to your young person, and what information could be useful to share. 

Talking to young people about drugs — Drug Foundation 
For parents and caregivers — Drug Foundation 

Drug information 

The Level — straight-up information about drugs, ways to reduce harm and find support. 

Peer support

Living Sober — a free online mutual aid community for people wanting to change their relationship with alcohol. 

Order print resources

Hard copies of Drug Foundation resources are available to order at resources.drugfoundation.org.nz.